Irony

When a red apple tastes sour
When sleep makes you tired
When knowledge turns into ignorance
When water causes thirst
When money buys no happiness
When medicine causes pain
When we can forgive strangers and not loved ones
When whom suppose to be a friend turns out not to be
When what's suppose to make you happy leaves a scar your heart

The Morning Booth

Today, I came acrossed this video on my friends blog that was written by a couple who lost their twin girls shortly after birth last summer.
I realize that there are thousands, if not millions, of people in the world currently grieving.
Grieving is very personal (I don't want to hear one more person tell me, or my family to "Just get over it" or "You need to move forward").
But this video has a powerful truth - that in the midst of grieving, one of the most basic needs that every person has is to feel loved and supported.
Even if we are unable to reach out, or to respond back at the moment.
Even if silently, or from afar.
Because I could have never imagined until the year my dad passed, what a lonely place grieving can be.
I have lost grandmas, aunts, uncles who were very dear to me and I was certain I had walked the path of grief and knew it's corners and turns.
Intimately knew the potholes and divots that would trip one up.
But nothing has affected me the way my dad's death did.
The potholes seemed to have expanded, and the divots have multiplied.
Even when I think it is beginning to lighten, that things are beginning to feel better, it seeps back in and reminds me of it's prescence. If you are one of the many who I was spiteful too, didn't confide knowing that I should have, didnt return calls or emails, I do apologize and please don't take it personal.
I am working my way through my own Mourning Booth.


This video just rang so true to me as I watched it, that I had to share it. Before going through my own mourning, I'm pretty sure I didn't truly understand how to mourn with those who mourn. I'm still learning. But, watching this just made me that much more grateful for the people in my life who haven't given up on me, who haven't gotten impatient with my grieving, who have stayed by my side even if they haven't known what to say. They have been there in every way, mourning with me and offering healing comfort simply by their presence through this dark, dark valley. I don't know how I would have survived the worst parts of the valley without their love and support. If you don't know how to mourn with someone, err on the side of being like the waitress. Seriously, my heart filled with warmth just watching that part. It is a holy response.
Healing can come in miraculous ways just by being present in someone's life.

Check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vt8nSAqkl84

Grieving after 1 year

It's been a year since the passing of my dad and I expected grieving to have a beginning and an end; something that i can "work through" and "get over". It is a chaotic, cynical process with good days and bad days, or good moments and bad moments.
I continue to have feelings that come in waves---sometimes expected and sometimes not. Recently, my feelings seem to come from nowhere. I am finding myself suddenly in tears at my desk at work, in the car driving or at home...not even aware that I was thinking about him.
After my dad passed, I had one dream of him and it wasn't pleasant. Now, I am have altered, reoccuring dreams. I know I should embrace and enjoy them, but they are not enjoyable.
I am too young to experience and cope the loss of a parent. My emotions, I can't explain. So many things I want and need to tell him. I have been OK. I get up, go to work, take care of my responsibilities, and make it the best. Keep moving on...

WOW, it's been a while since I last updated this. Let me fill in on what's been going on.

SCHOOL: I have decided not to go into nursing and graduate next June. I have personal reasons to want to do this and feel confident that it will work out.

WORK: Nothing new in this area, although I am waiting anxiously to hear whether or not I won the trip to Hawaii they are giving away. 7 day trip for two to Maui, hotel and airline at their expense. Guess who is going with me???????

FAMILY: I just returned back Utah after staying there for over a week. To be honest, it's never a vacation when going there. Not only was I down there for my dad's one year memorial, but also to take care of my mom. The whole time I was emotional, physically and mentally exhausted. I was actually OK with my dad's one year anniversary. I learned that life goes on and he will be watching me like a hawk. My mother is a different story. Everyday is different, and you never know. I am just thankful she is still here with us and will enjoy the time I have with her.

LOVELIFE: I am keeping this part secretive....

FRIENDS: You know who you are....without your help through my father's death and my mother's illness, I wouldn't be where I am at right now. Trust me, a year ago, I hated life. THANK YOU!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

That about sums up everything that I have been doing. Oh and two wonderful kids that I enjoy spending time with and love with all my heart.... Brayden and Molly.

Update

Things have been quite busy lately. I just got promoted at work to charge off and place liens on homes, checking accounts etc. Not that I enjoy doing it but it is what it is. I am also completing finals which takes a lot of my energy. I am considering on stopping school for a semester or two, I need some "me" time and take some time off to go help my mom whose water heater broke and flooded her home. Luckily all my father's and mother's belongings weren't ruined, however some personal things of mine were.
We also have had a couple of bbqs and hung out. It's nice to be able to get together and enjoy each other. I had Molly and Brayden sleep over last Saturday. They have a way of making me feel bad when I don't see them much, so I finally had a Sunday off of school and work and Megs let me take them (Thanks Megs). We went to Papas pizza, came back to my house baked cookies and watched movies. Super fun! Sunday we headed back to Megs and had a bbq. We played guitar hero (or course) and below is a pic of our cool band! Also a pic of Bray and Molly, and Megs cooking at one of the bbqs.

Splurging Day!

OK.....I have been wanting a Wii for the past two years. I asked for one every year for my birthday, and Christmas but sadly never got it. I gave up on asking and thought when school is over with, I will consider on buying one. A couple of days ago, my friend Sarah offered to give me her games which was very nice of her. I was thinking to myself, what the hell am I going to do with these games when I have no system. Then I thought Megan has one so I will just bring them over there no big deal. As I was driving, i steered my way to game stop, walked in the door and said "Oh what the hell"...

I bought the Wii system along with the guitar hero band set (Drums, microphone, two guitars), and any other necessities that I needed for it. It was very spendy, but find myself justifying it because I would have bought it later down the road! So we hooked it up and that's all Shawn seems to be doing now! He says he is practicing for when we have competitions over at Megan's house. :)

Catch Up!

Someone asked me if I had given up on blogging and for a little while, yes. So lets fill you in on what has happened. Since the last time I blogged, I celebrated my 27th birthday (Thanks Megs), finished finals and landed a spot on the deans list with a 3.6 GPA, celebrated Thanksgiving at Meg and Jays house (Thanks Megs, again) surgery (we won't go into that) and went to Utah for Christmas. It was a tough Christmas this year but very memorable. Went up to Park city and did some snowboarding, but mostly spent my time with my mom and family. Below are some pics


My mom holding up the pictures I gave to her.

My niece Savannah got a Hannah Montana guitar so she was dancing and singing for me

I was asking Savannah who was coming to visit her on Christmas Eve and she said "Santa is bringing Papa" meaning Grandpa.

Me snowboarding! Its been a while